Why oh why do people want to be in relationships? The pain I'm seeing some of my friends go through now over relationships ending is so bad that no benefit can possibly be worth the anguish.
honestly, that pain is really nothing much in the grand scheme of human suffering, and the positive benefits of good relationships outweigh it by an order of magnitude.
that is, for people who manage to figure out how to have good relationships. not everyone does. but still, we're pack creatures, we glom together, it's in our genes.
the thing that always gets me isn't that people go through pain in romantic relationships, but the sort of crap they put up with from blood relatives, sometimes for their entire lives. really, if you wouldn't put up with it from a good friend, don't put up with it from a parent.
the thing that always gets me isn't that people go through pain in romantic relationships, but the sort of crap they put up with from blood relatives, sometimes for their entire lives. really, if you wouldn't put up with it from a good friend, don't put up with it from a parent.
Drifting off-topic here, but I slightly disagree. I think you owe parents more than you'd owe a friend. Not tons more, and certainly not unending pain for years. But in exchange for them having raised you, I think you owe parents an attempt at working things out when the relationship has deteriorated to a certain point just beyond where you'd give up on a frienship. The fact that it's blood, and the fact of your history, does matter some in my book.
Bringing this up mainly because I've noticed your position is one that seems to be rather common among friends I've met on LJ, and pretty rare among the rest of my circles. I wonder why.
Oh! that reminds me of one of the readers give the advice letters, by the wife of the guy who isn't going to see his dying mom because he's dealt with their past and seeing her again is not good for his mental health.
I think that the key thing with the family pain is pretty selfish. I guess the dude in the letter has dealt with everything and won't feel bad about not saying good bye to his mom, but many other people will feel bad and will beat themselves up about it and the mom will be dead and there will be NOTHING they can do about it. Basically, I think people should work at their family relationships for their own personal sanity (and, I will admit, to a lesser extent because they should be appreciative that their family is still alive).
Can you feel bad about a bad ending with a friend or non relative? Sure, of course. But while you will never replace that individual person in your life, you will replace the "friend" slot in your life, but not so with close family.
And in general, why? A. cause relationships happen and unless you make a conscious effort to avoid them you'll probably fall into some throughout your life. B. cause life sucks. I hate the weighing the good and the bad crap and the finding good in the bad and the you need the bad to come with the good and blah blah. It just sucks. It does hurt. Relationships literally kill some people. So does walking across the street, and I still do that. Of course it's fun and at times, useful, to read into and analyze the why and what for, but it mostly just is.
It mostly just is, and I think there can be some comfort in that. But (and this plays into a motif from Gene's babies-in-cars article) a lot of people can't handle the randomness, and need to see some huge emotional dialectic in the world for them to accept bad stuff. It just makes the highs higher! Hey, buddy, if that works for you...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
relationship pain
that is, for people who manage to figure out how to have good relationships. not everyone does. but still, we're pack creatures, we glom together, it's in our genes.
the thing that always gets me isn't that people go through pain in romantic relationships, but the sort of crap they put up with from blood relatives, sometimes for their entire lives. really, if you wouldn't put up with it from a good friend, don't put up with it from a parent.
Re: relationship pain
Drifting off-topic here, but I slightly disagree. I think you owe parents more than you'd owe a friend. Not tons more, and certainly not unending pain for years. But in exchange for them having raised you, I think you owe parents an attempt at working things out when the relationship has deteriorated to a certain point just beyond where you'd give up on a frienship. The fact that it's blood, and the fact of your history, does matter some in my book.
Bringing this up mainly because I've noticed your position is one that seems to be rather common among friends I've met on LJ, and pretty rare among the rest of my circles. I wonder why.
Re: relationship pain
I think that the key thing with the family pain is pretty selfish. I guess the dude in the letter has dealt with everything and won't feel bad about not saying good bye to his mom, but many other people will feel bad and will beat themselves up about it and the mom will be dead and there will be NOTHING they can do about it. Basically, I think people should work at their family relationships for their own personal sanity (and, I will admit, to a lesser extent because they should be appreciative that their family is still alive).
Can you feel bad about a bad ending with a friend or non relative? Sure, of course. But while you will never replace that individual person in your life, you will replace the "friend" slot in your life, but not so with close family.
And in general, why? A. cause relationships happen and unless you make a conscious effort to avoid them you'll probably fall into some throughout your life. B. cause life sucks. I hate the weighing the good and the bad crap and the finding good in the bad and the you need the bad to come with the good and blah blah. It just sucks. It does hurt. Relationships literally kill some people. So does walking across the street, and I still do that. Of course it's fun and at times, useful, to read into and analyze the why and what for, but it mostly just is.
Re: relationship pain