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sexuality
Inspired by today's Gene Weingarten chat and by talking to a few friends of mine, here's a poll:
But first, to define some terminology: "Gal" is what I'm saying since neither "woman" nor "girl" is as age-nonspecific as "guy". Please ignore whatever patronizing connotation you may think "gal" has.
If "gay", "straight", and "bi" aren't specific enough for you, then consider "gay" to be kinsey 5-6, "bi" to be kinsey 2-4, and "straight" to be kinsey 0-1.
There are limits to the number of choices any poll can give (especially on LJ), but not limits to the number of different answers that are actually possible, especially with a charged question like this. Please, wherever possible, choose the closest answer even if it's not perfect. Feel free to elaborate in comments.
Now, then:
[Poll #1104392]
(As always, LJ lets you edit your poll results if you misclicked or something.)
But first, to define some terminology: "Gal" is what I'm saying since neither "woman" nor "girl" is as age-nonspecific as "guy". Please ignore whatever patronizing connotation you may think "gal" has.
If "gay", "straight", and "bi" aren't specific enough for you, then consider "gay" to be kinsey 5-6, "bi" to be kinsey 2-4, and "straight" to be kinsey 0-1.
There are limits to the number of choices any poll can give (especially on LJ), but not limits to the number of different answers that are actually possible, especially with a charged question like this. Please, wherever possible, choose the closest answer even if it's not perfect. Feel free to elaborate in comments.
Now, then:
[Poll #1104392]
(As always, LJ lets you edit your poll results if you misclicked or something.)
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It is less acceptable for a guy to be bisexual or gay than it is for a woman to do so. Because of this, if a guy actually identifies as bisexual, I believe that he more than likely is. By the same token, if he is, I think he would probably identify as straight until he figures out whether the group is actually good or not.
However, I've seen instances of women who self-identify as bisexual simply because they find it helps them to attract men. Not that they actually are. Even though they may play at it, when it comes down to it, they don't see themselves as ever being able to love another woman.
That's sort of my two cents.
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Maybe I don't get out enough, but I've not known any women to self-identify as bi simply because it makes them more attractive to other men. That said, I do think women are more likely to do so--but I think it's more because a fluid sexuality is more socially acceptable in women than it is in men - and perhaps because of that, women may be more likely to experiment (e.g., I've seen women label themselves as "bi-curious" but I've never seen a man do so).
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Offline (and unfortunately), nobody in my social circles would openly identify as anything but hetero.
Online, people are a lot more open about who they are, and our social circles are a lot more willing to accept a person's sexuality as self-defined.
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Same here. And I agree that the social/cultural issues are seriously muddying the waters.
The identifying lesbian piece is interesting. I was really frustrated with a friend who would still talk about how hot guys were and how interested she was in them, but she identified as a lesbian. Like, if you are openly talking about how you are attracted to guys....doesn't that make you not solely interest in girls and therefore not a lesbian? But I think the social pressure is heavy for lesbians as well to be absolute in their identity, even if it their feelings are not as absolute.
I think these social pressures are why you cannot always take someone's self-identification at face value. And I also think it's perfectly understandable to self-identify in ways that don't perfectly match your feelings or to self-identify as different things at different times in your life or at different points in the discovery of your sexual orientation.
But, since it is a huge social leap to identify as bi, without more information, I would assume he was processing.
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One of the more interesting things about bisexuality, and being bi, is that I get a lot more shit from the gay community than the straight. I had a (lesbian-turned-bi) girlfriend very, very seriously tell me that I didn't have it as hard as she did, coming out, despite the fact that her mother's a lesbian, she had a lot of family support, etc. People are...surprisingly hurtful, I guess is what I'm trying to get across. There aren't many bi role models, and they're nonexistant in pop culture. It's a curious little segment of the Kinsey scale :)
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The relationship I was in was with someone who identified as Lesbian despite being attract to men as well as women. She came out, lost her biological family and took on the local Lesbian community(very distinct from the gay male community in that time and place) as her adopted family. When we got involved she had to come out again and lost that family as well. It was a bad, bad experience for all concerned and it never did have a happy ending.
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That makes it hard to pinpoint. I find it silly that a person would claim that a person could "identify as bisexual but is really straight/gay". If you identify as one thing, who cares what anyone labels you?
I identify myself as bisexual, but with a long-term preference for men. Does that make me "actually straight"? I'm currently in a long-term relationship with a man, and we are monogamous. But if I were not, I would certainly pursue future relations with women, if I could.
That said, it is very frustrating to be a female interested in another female, and realize she's only in it for the male attention it gets. Does that mean she's not really Bi? Just pretending?
Difficult question.
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The "not a halfway point" facet is frequently mentioned and increasingly acknowledges, but people often overlook the "long-term preference" issue ... or, they nefariously employ it as a way to arbitrarily assign someone as straight or gay.
It makes perfect sense to me for someone to be attracted to both sexes, but to have a preference for which they ultimately wind up with. We have a bisexual friend who recently married a man, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's "actually straight" for life now.
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If we could accept that, all this would be much easier.
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:)
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i object. is it genderqueer to transition? i counsider transitioning straight...transexual...and clearly not genderqueer. since it leaves you with a clear (somewhat understandable) answer for sex/gender questions about yourself.
a girl who just told me that we were dating is trans-mtf. it turns out she also has multiple personalities (voices as she puts it)...half are girls and half are boys. i'm slowly finding out which i'm most attracted to...but, as with all sex, it's about the social stuff as i find sex physically boring. it keeps shifting, but there's a definate trend towards the guys--with their breasts and long hair.
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genderqueer
any particular transsexual might not feel 'genderqueer' is the right term for zirself, of course, and i wouldn't argue with anyone's self-identification. some TSs are left with clear answers, some aren't; some wholly subscribe to the binary gender idea of the mainstream, some don't.
Re: sexuality
in mainstream circles there's a lot more smoke and mirrors involved when it comes to bisexuality. if people are indeed out at all. many actual bisexuals pass as straight or gay, and from what i've seen, the gay community gives bis almost as much shit as the straight mainstream.
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Of course, I think society reinforces this.
Also, I tend to let people identify however they want. I'm not gonna argue.
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it's interesting that as the person who fills out the poll, you can ID as somethng other than guy or gal, while at the same time the sexual orientation choices are all those that take into consideration two sexes. what i mean is,i have trouble filling it out. what about pansexual [attracted to folks of all genders] & asexual [not sexual with anyone]? yo?
love,
noam
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OK, on the internet.
OK, in the chat format.
But still.
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