desh | the food stress post

the food stress post

I've been thinking about making this post for awhile. So I might as well do it, huh.

As you might have been able to tell from the subject line above, or from my vote in the poll, food is a major stressor in my life.

Luckily for me, the health aspect of things isn't really a problem. This probably distinguishes me from most people that have food stress. I'm comfortably a bit overweight, and if I wanted to do something about that, I'd be much better off exercising more than changing my diet. I eat 90% vegetarian, I don't snack unhealthily too much, I love carbs but try to stick to low-fat stuff at least sometimes, I don't get stressed out at all by hunting for local or organic produce or reading package labels on occasion, and I have very good self-control when I do snack. (I'll decide I want 4 cookies, bring the bag of cookies to the TV, eat 4 cookies, and close up the bag and bring it back to the kitchen when the show is over.) No, the problems I have are everything else.

I used to say that I can't cook. This is less true than it used to be, though I'm certainly still a below-average cook. I'm not creative at all, and I don't really have an understanding of what the different variables involved do. (For example, I can make scrambled eggs. But I don't know what it would mean to use a different pan temperature, or to add cheese (if I'm adding cheese) earlier vs. later in the process, or to use a lid, or even to add various herbs and spices.) And I'm too afraid to experiment with any of the variables, because the stress involved in cooking in the first place would just get that much worse if I had to throw something out, or eat it but enjoy it less, when I could have just as easily made some known quantity.

No, the reality is just that I don't like to cook. At all. Spending an hour in the kitchen makes me not want to go back in there for another two weeks at least. I'm not comfortable in there. I'm a klutz, and there's lots of hot things and sharp things around. My bizarre back/rib/torso/whatever problems have recently been at their worst when I'm standing in one place without being able to move or sit or lean for more than about a minute at a time, and that tends to only happen to me at concerts and in the kitchen. And perhaps the biggest point is that I'm a complete member in our short-attention-span instant-gratification culture. Every minute spent in the kitchen is a minute I'm not talking to other people (usually), reading anything, checking my email, or even creating something that will last beyond the next few hours. And I can't easily stop what I'm doing to take a 30-second LJ break, either.

Also, I don't have particularly discerning taste. There are dishes and foods I like, but they're few and far between. More than most people, I think, I'm often just trying to find something to eat that I don't mind, or like a bit, or won't dislike too much. The available range of how good things taste to me is a bit narrow, and a bit skewed toward the bad side. The exception, of course, is when it comes to foods I genuinely don't like. I've managed to compartmentalize most of the foods I don't like (anything made with a tomato product, though exceptions can be made for baked things like pizza and baked ziti; mustard; coconut; tree nuts; and spicy things), but that's still a lot of stuff and still impacts my food choices pretty much everywhere.

All that would be bad enough, right? But then there's the Jew stuff.

I'm not talking about keeping kosher, either. The way I keep kosher, eating vegetarian stuff anywhere, including fish, is good enough almost all of the time. And as I mentioned above, that's not so much of an issue for me. (It cuts down on choices in a restaurant a bit, but I can usually handle that.)

No, the issue is more Shabbat. In particular, the fact that I don't spend money on Shabbat, and the fact that I don't cook on Shabbat. Generally there are two big meals eaten on Shabbat, dinner (Friday night) and lunch (Saturday afternoon). So, for people who practice like me, you have to plan ahead for both meals in terms of having the ingredients and/or prepared foods on-hand before Friday sundown. And you also can't eat food that has to be served immediately after cooking for either meal (since even dinner is usually eaten at least an hour or two after sundown), and you have to eat cold food for lunch unless you've made something that can live in a crockpot for 18 hours.

A big part of Shabbat is the community that develops around eating meals together. (Shabbat-observant Jews are often much better at hosting dinner parties than other people, mainly because we practice a lot more.) This is hard enough for me where I live, since it seems like the majority of my Shabbat community here has moved away or will be moving soon, to be replaced by people I don't have much in common with. (I could make a Jewish-community stress post too, but I don't feel like that now.) But even the people I do feel connected with never invite me for meals anymore, mainly because I don't invite them over much either, obviously. (In addition to the above issues, this is also due to my mostly-dormant-but-not-entirely-gone having-people-over-my-house stress, which isn't interesting enough for its own post. In a nutshell, I've always been weird about having friends over, for unknown reasons. I'm mostly over that these days, but the overall effect is worse now, because I'm embarrassed that I still live at home with my mom. I stay there partly because I'm lazy, but partly because she understands these issues and cooks for me sometimes. It's a vicious cycle.) So I've been having people over for Shabbat meals at my house at a rate of roughly once or twice a year, which certainly isn't enough to help sustain a community, and seems to also not be enough to get even an occasional reciprocal invitation anymore.

There are potlucks at my synagogue sometimes, but that crowd is extremely awkward for some reason, and I probably wouldn't go at all. (Sorry, J, if you're reading this. Nothing personal, I promise.) Except for the fact that a potluck is a nice way to eat other people's food guilt-free, at a price of just bringing some challah and wine, or even some takeout (which is doable because of the kashrut rules that the potluck uses). So I go anyway.

Really, the most stressful part about Shabbat food isn't that I don't get to enjoy it with other people. That issue is secondary to the fact that it's really hard to just "cheat" and go with my six-days-a-week strategy of trading money for already-cooked food. Given all the issues in this post, I'm really happy to budget whatever's necessary to do this, but it's more challenging for Shabbat. I do it sometimes, getting prepared foods at Whole Foods most Friday afternoons to bring to a Friday potluck, and some more (pasta salad or something) to eat cold by myself for Shabbat lunch. Occasionally, though, I get bored of that and decide to walk down to Penn Hillel to eat in Kosher Dining. This is a terrible idea more often than I'd like to admit, given that I graduated almost 5 years ago now and it's kind of weird that I spend as much time with undergrads as I do. (It was particularly awkward last Friday, Parents' Weekend, when the dining hall was packed twice as full as usual, and it was even more clear than usual that I didn't belong. I bailed on my plan to eat there and headed home, despite only having bought Whole Foods food for lunch rather than for two meals. I covered the difference, which was really less than one meal's worth due to the fact that I overbought, by having more bagels and veggies than usual at the kiddush at synagogue on Saturday morning.) But any opportunity to simply pay for Shabbat food cooked by someone else is one that I eagerly jump at.

So hopefully now you see why I voted "yes" in my poll. I'll happily sit with you and watch you eat and make conversation and all, but more often than not, I myself am also eating then only because I have to. I'm sorry if this post makes any of you foodies or you big-Shabbat-dinner types sad, but it is how it is.

(Advice and sympathy welcomed, if you're so inclined. "Get over it, you baby" remarks are less welcome. (You know who you are.))

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hm. well, that's really interesting. thanks for sharing it. you need a wife :) or at least, a house-mate who will cook for you, in exchange for another service (cleaning comes to mind).

Yeah, I mean, I don't love cleaning either, but I certainly don't hate it enough to make a 1500-word LJ post complaining about it...

I'm so glad that I'm an open-minded feminist. One enlightened enough to realize that even though the traditional structure of wives cooking for their husbands all the time is quite oppresive as a generalization, it's fine in particular couples if it works for them. Right?

i would certainly say so! altho, i only suggested a wife because i got the general idea that you're not in the market (as it were) for a husband. you could also benefit from hiring a cook, but i think in general you'd do well with a life partner, rather than paid service.

Or a life partner who is also a paid service!

....actually, let's not go there.

i wont say it hadn't crossed my mind, but apparently it doesnt usually work out well. on the other hand, you could maybe find a nice russian jewish girl? ;)

I have to say that I share some of these feelings lately.

My perspective is that I don't enjoy eating by myself. I have no sense of pace, and I really just don't savor things. It just annoys me when I'm hungry for lunch at work, or for dinner when Elise is away - I don't want to spend money or effort just on myself. Furthermore, on my own I'm just looking for immediately gratifying flavors, like umami or sweet - I have no interest in a subtly good mean.

I wish I could just skip those lonely meals (especially at work, where I hate to eat), but my powers of anorexia are not what they were at their height a decade ago.

However, I love cooking and eating out when I have someone else to do it with, and I am totally over people trying to make me feel bad or silly about being 90% Veg (someone tried on Friday, and even though I was pretty drunk I'm fairly sure I made them look like an ass). If anything, my less-dairy initiative has made me more appreciative of flavorful food now that everything I eat isn't covered in cheese. (I've been hoping for an accompanying nudge in the weight loss column, but after four months of waiting I'm not sure it's coming.)

So, I am undecided on your question. I guess I wish I could choose to forgo specific meals for their equivalent cost, but I'm a little too much of a social foodie to want to give up food on a life-long basis.

(Also, I had a chuckle from your earlier comment re: feminism, because some people at work have literally said, "I don't understand, why don't you just have Elise make lunch for you." Which, aside from being hilariously offensive from my feminist perspective, would seem doubly comedic if they knew that I'm rarely allowed to eat any of Elise's cooking projects unless they were specifically made with me in mind.)

This kind of makes your suggestion that we do lunch sometime (which I've been meaning to say "yes" to for awhile now) take on a whole new subtext, doesn't it.

Ok, this reply is going to be really long. And no pressure to adopt any advice.

A couple years ago, while I was in Israel, I was becoming increasingly frustrated with how much time I was taking out of life to cook. Then, I had an epiphany-- that cooking was a part of life, not a break from life. That was also around when I started liking cooking.

But it took me a while to get the hang of things, and I've not only mad some bad attempts, but some bizarrely bad attempts in the meantime. It's just like learning anything. Having easy back ups around (pasta, pbj, canned/ frozen microwavable stuff) might be helpful, in taking some pressure off the learning process.

I hear you on the klutz thing. I keep bandaids, first aid cream, and lidocaine (for minor burns) around the house, and most kitchen accidents are quite minor, and I forget about them the moment I've taken care of them, assuming they need care at all.

If you ever are interested in expanding your cooking abilities (which at the moment, it sounds like you aren't), I'd recommend starting simply, and having friends guide you in easy recipes. For example, if you wanted to get more adventurous with eggs, have someone around who could tell you what would happen if you added cheese, or spices, or adjusted the heat.

But the physically uncomfortable thing? There aren't that many things I can think of that actually require standing in one place, and most food prep can be done sitting down. Things on the stove either cook very fast (like scrambled eggs) so you aren't standing for long, or they cook slowly (like soup) and you can sit back, and just check on it every once in a while.

Another important comfort thing is to find a work surface that's the right height. I prefer higher surfaces (standing at a counter, or sitting at the table) for chopping, and lower surfaces (standing at the table) for things where I need to put my weight into it, like kneading bread dough. You're enough taller than I am, that I'm wondering if some kitchen surfaces have you bending over a bit, which would indeed make your back complain.

Unless you're cooking something fast, you can totally take a 30 second LJ break. (Assuming you aren't easily distracted like I am). And if you are cooking something fast, there's no need to take a break, really.

Warm food on shabbat: many people hold that it's ok to place cold *dry* food on a hot plate during shabbat day, in order to warm it.

The shabbat issues seem to be more a matter of Jewish community stress, which makes sense. It'll probably resolve itself eventually, when you live somewhere with more access to community. Good luck :)

I have a gusto for cooking, because I'm convinced it's a skill I need to learn, and I don't mind repetitive, mindless tasks (when I'm not worrying about more urgent tasks). However, I know what you mean about the thanklessness of it, making a creation all by yourself that lasts only a little bit of time. I'm so glad I have a roommate for that purpose---whenever I'm cooking Shelby is usually in, and she talks with me. If only you didn't have that inviting-people-over anxiety thing! Then you could invite people over for a meal and you'd have someone to talk with, and it would be productive meal-making; or maybe people don't do that in the real world. I had a dinner party the other night, and I was still cooking waaaay past the time the guests arrived, and they all helped out, that helped cooking stress immensely. I also sometimes get together with people for the sole purpose of cooking a pizza from scratch, or making felafel, for instance. Doing more stuff like that might help you hate cooking less; learning cooking from other people is fun, learning by yourself is saddening (to me, anyway).

re: Jew stuff, can't you make a potluck Shabbat dinner/lunch and invite people over? That way you could have people over and have sociability, but minus the cooking stress. I do that with every party I host to some degree.

Most importantly, I think you're just trying too hard, although pickiness makes it harder to resist this, I imagine. The easiest things I've found to cook that taste really good to me are perogies + onions (only preparation thing = chop the onion), pasta + red sauce + cheese, and fish (it's actually remarkably easy to cook up some fish. I like mine with mango chutney or other chutney, just put it on the salmon and put in the oven, practically). Also, see NYTimes for 5-minute meals list, see if anything appeals to you:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/18/dining/18mini.html?emc=eta1
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/08/dining/08mini.html?emc=eta1

The reason I wouldn't get rid of food for myself is because it's such a great excuse for both a social activity and a reason to explore the city, discover new haunts and neighborhoods. Bernie is picky about eating, for instance, and I feel like he misses out on a lot of opportunity for social interaction thereby.

Anyway, hope this wasn't just annoying to read, sorry if it was. I don't know much about cooking, I'm a rookie, I'm just brainstorming in this little box here.

yes, so long as "fine" doesn't mean that the wife has utterly despaired of getting her husband to do pull his weight, for all that she isn't happy with it, which I understand is a common outcome. . .

I'm fortunate in that both of my roommates are excellent cooks. We all pay for food, but they are the ones who usually end up doing the cooking unless I'm making myself quinoa or something. And then I'll usually do dishes if I'm not going insane. So maybe you could get yourself a similar set-up somewhere.

If you were in Cambridge I would offer to cook for you. But alas, it wouldn't be so practical for me to send food to Philly...

// i also get kind of stressed over eating big communal
// meals, or holiday meals, or important social meals.
// so you have my sympathy at least.

Get over it, you baby.

--Jeff

You're so predictable and easily manipulated...

Aw, Deshie-poo... I never could pass up an opportunity to criticize you.

--Jeff

Well, it was a subtext I was already aware of, but, yes.

I think I managed to get over my cooking phobia in two ways: #1 by doing it with other people (who had more responsibility and knew what they were doing). Probably more important, #2 by cooking things that I don't need like desserts. Baking cookies is a great way to do things because it's a pretty easy recipe, they taste great fresh baked unless you really screw up badly, and you can take them places (like, say, work), and share them, which is always gratifying (especially if people survive eating your food or even enjoy it). I cook mostly for recreation, but I find it much less daunting to cook for a meal now because I've turned it into a recreational activity and gotten a bit of confidence through experience (mind you, I've made plenty of mistakes, like the time I put in three times as much salt in our matza granola because I read 1 1/2 tsp not 1/2 tsp. and the same day when I trusted the box's label and ended up making 9 batches instead of 3 because I had so much farfel). hope some of this is relevant or coherent

The handful of pikans who prefered cleaning to cooking were always greatly appreciated by whomever was assigning jobs. But it sounds like your problem is less not being able to cook than not wanting to put time and energy into thinking about food.

I've felt that way at times in the past, although I'm also really averse to most food that comes in boxes or fully prepared. The result is a list of favorites that feel like real food to me but don't require thought---raman (it's a bag, not a box?), rice, potatoes, cooked in a few very simple ways. Mind you, it sounds as though you're eating much more sensibly than I do at those times, and you doubtless have differently undiscerning taste than I.

Of course, social problems are harder to solve than technical ones.
Is the issue is that it's hard to find prepared food that will still be good by Saturday lunch? Or do you dislike that solution for non-technical reasons?

I've thought more than is reasonable about what jobs I would've had in the alternate universe in which I lived at pika. If I couldn't have been one of the shopping people, I think being a "little cook", or whatever you called them, would've been best for me. I got the impression that they're never tasked with actually thinking about the food, and I would've gotten over my kitchen aversion at least a bit. Spending time cooking might be a bit more palatable in a co-op put-in-your-hours sort of environment.

As far as prepared foods, I'm quite lucky. If I'd been born 10 years earlier, this would've been a major problem. I don't think Amy's existed then, for one thing. The prepared foods and frozen foods industries took off at just the right time for me.

It's a bit hard to find prepared food that'll still be good Saturday lunch, yeah. But Friday night is more of a problem, because I have no problem eating whatever pasta salad is on sale at Whole Foods and calling that a Shabbat lunch, but for some reason I have higher standards for dinner. And it's frustrating to try to find 2 or 3 things to make a well-rounded nice-ish dinner, plus a salad for lunch, when I'd probably be a lot happier if I could just cook and invite people over like a normal person... (Yes, as

rivka_m points out, this whole frustration is probably more because of my Jewish-community-related stress than I realized before today.)

the only thing that makes me sad is that you don't actively enjoy eating.

and really, i feel a note of sorrow at the thought that you don't derive enjoyment from eating, that it's not as exciting an experience for you as it is for me.

(and to be clear: the overwhelming majority of the meals i've eaten the past few years have been prepared by someone else, mostly when i've paid for them to.)

anyway, i'm sorry it stresses you out.

I never liked cooking because I wasn't good at it. But I started off easy, and worked my way up.
I also started cooking because
1) It is cheaper
2) It tastes better for the most part
3) I gain an enormous sense of satisfaction after preparing a good meal, and then eating it.

But see,
(1) I can afford to not cook much
(2) I don't care about the tasting better, because I don't even notice
(3) I don't get a sense of satisfaction to spend a long time creating something that's gone in a few hours

Then I am going to ask what seems to be a fairly obvious question.
Why complain?
You seem to be happy doing things the way you are doing it now

So when are you going to come down here for Shabbat? I will hide the tomatoes!

Thanks for the invite! This is the hardest time of year for me to get away for Shabbat, both due to the clock and due to how busy work is. Hopefully early 2008, though; remind me!

i hear ya. i want a personal cook!

i know how to cook, mind -- i learned when i was a child, and ended up cooking for the whole family by the time i was a young teenager. but i am a totally uninspired cook. i am also not very discerning when it comes to taste; haute french cuisine is wasted on me, except for certain flavours and textures i'll be happy with just about anything. this is actually an advantage when cooking -- it would take quite a bit of effort for me to produce something i hate; ie. it doesn't happen; i am usually perfectly happy with even my weirder concoctions, when i only had a few things in the fridge and no favourite recipe to follow. though i differ from you in that i like, no, love to eat. eating is a comfort thing for me, and sensually pleasing. but i am not a foodie. and i strongly resent the time it takes to cook, even though i like the result. consequently i don't cook anything that takes a lot of time.

i think the best solution to your specific problems is to either throw more money and organization at the issues, or to learn how to cook. finding more prepared foods or having somebody else cook personally for you would probably be ideal, but might be harder to accomplish than to learn to cook a few meals for yourself.

because it does NOT have to take an hour to prepare a meal. cooking stir fries is very fast, and you can prep the food sitting down (or buy most of it pre-chopped). at the other end of the spectrum is the slow cooker, where you basically just layer everything in, turn the pot on, and then forget about it until it's ready to eat.

something to get over (minus any "you crybaby" implied): not inviting people to your home because you don't cook, and live with your mother. so you're a little different, so what? you have good reasons for living with her. you seem to get along. if it's not broken there is no need to fix it. people will like you, and want to spend time with you anyway, and in fact most won't even think about it. you don't cooking can be solved in one of two ways: potluck invitations, or inviting people who can cook specifically to teach you a favourite recipe and make it together. that way you get to be social, you get to learn how to cook, and the time isn't wasted at all.

i'll attest to the doing it with other people part - i've been the unsuspecting (and sometimes barely willing) kitchen helper many times while i was ostensibly working or doing homework or something... and he really has gotten much better at cooking! i highly recommend making a mental list of people who can either supervise/support you in person or who you can consult by phone (i still call my mom for cooking advice from time to time) - i'm happy to be one. i'm quite adept at cooking from recipes (and substituting in recipes to account for ingredients i do/don't have or food allergies) or by making it up. co-oping has done wonders for my ability to cook without a recipe. usually i just show up in the kitchen, pull lots of vegetables out of the fridge and see what I can make with them. for example, tonight i made split pea soup and pumpkin curry soup. the pumpkin soup is a long story, it was meant to be pumpkin bread, but we're severely lacking in vegetables, and after i baked and peeled our 3 halloween pumpkins, there was sooo much pumpkin that it made both soup and bread for 30. blah blah blah... i'm done.

Yeah, see, people like you intimidate me. I'm never going to be the sort of person who can just open the fridge and figure out what can be made, partly because I don't think I can and partly because I don't want to put in the (probably extreme) effort to learn to be able to do that. If I ever do decide that I really want to learn to cook more, and am willing to get over phobias or stress or time constraints or whatever's in my way, I'm definitely going to set my goal a lot lower than that. And leave it there.

If you have a desire to become more comfortable cooking and being in a kitchen (unclear whether you do) it might be worthwhile to take a cooking class at a community college or similar place. It will help with understanding the variables and probably with the klutz instinct too.

If that is too much effort (I know it would be for me) reading is an excellent replacement investment. The Joy of Cooking is really an excellent reference work, and the recipes tend to be good. It explains in a fair bit of detail most things in a kitchen from how to boil an egg to how microwaves work (and so what they do well or poorly). If you want to read about changing pan temperature and later spice adding this is a good place to look.
The book Tassahara Cooking is the least judgemental cookbook I've ever seen. With recipes like: Pile of Cabbage (with one step: steam some cabbage) and descriptions of serving smokey rice to people when someone accidentally forgot to turn the stove of and burned the pan.
An excellent book about cooking without any creativity at all is Miriam's Kitchen, about the author's mother in law, who not only never changed a recipe, she lost her sense of taste and still made it all from memory.

The lack of desire to spend the time in a kitchen is a bit tougher to tackle, but one great thing about cooking (and house work in general) which is not true about using a writing or reading or surfing the internets is that you can cook while listening to the radio!
And really you wanted an excuse to catch up on these shows anyway, now that they're all available on podcast:
This American Life
Radio Lab
Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me
Le Show
All Things Considered

Some other things to think on:
It is often easy to double recipes and freeze or just save till tomorrow.
Rice Cookers and Bread Machines have easy to follow directions and consistent results, good for making whole grain staples of a diet.
Slow Cookers are also remarkably easy to use (though they take up a fair bit of counter space). Just throw some ingredients into the pot and turn it on, great for Shabbat, and many things will hold up fairly well. (You can find lots of recipes for slow cookers, and the manual will probably have a few as well).

sorry, that was supposed to be an encouraging story of how i learned and an offer of support. it obviously didn't come across very well...

Yeah, don't worry about it. I'm just mentally pasting a "RESULTS NOT TYPICAL" disclaimer across your post, just like in those weight loss commercials.

My job feeds me.
I don't buy groceries.
On the weekends I tend to eat 1-1.5 meals a day.
I am ridiculously lazy and spoiled (though not quite as much as a Googler).
I will probably not learn to cook any time in the near future, and I'm not proud of that but it's the truth.
The end.

Wow, interesting how I was just wondering today whether you still read LJ anymore. Guess I have my answer.

I sort of want your life.

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